On being authentic

Dustin and I had another good talk tonight. I was actually able to express in words exactly how I felt about something. That doesn't happen often; usually I stumble over the words and have a hard time explaining the thoughts that are in my head. I told him how I wish to be authentic in everything. You know, "do what you say, say what you mean". It goes beyond that though. I want to live an authentic life, be true to who I really am and what I really want. We live in a world full of expectations and obligations. Wouldn't it be great if we could let go of all that stuff and only participate in the things that are truly of value to us? No more fake friendships, awkward family get-togethers, excess community/church involvement. No more putting on a happy face and hiding who you really are and what you really feel.

God grant me the courage to live my life on MY terms, be truly present in every moment, and let go of the things that don't matter.

Descriptive Words

PERSISTANT....when I want something done, sometimes to the point of annoyance
THOROUGH....I make sure every tiny detail is taken care of
RESISTENT....to change and making commitments, I like to say I have "commitment issues"
PESSIMISTIC....I'm a "glass half empty" girl
COMPASSIONATE....especially toward those who are going through trials and hard times
ADDICTED....to Dr. Pepper
CASUAL....in dress and lifestyle
GUILT-RIDDEN....sometimes guilt controls my life
GENUINE....I hope other people would agree with this
OVERWHELMED....by all that life entails, I get lost in the big picture and find it hard to quiet my brain
HONEST....telling the truth always is so important to me
MUSICAL....I can sing and play the piano, music brings me joy
FAITHFUL....in God and His plan for me

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On liking myself

Dustin and I had a great talk last night. He pretended to be the shrink with a notepad and I was the patient reclining on the couch. We were trying to decipher why I am the way I am and why I think the way I think. We had a breakthrough or an epiphany, whatever you want to call it. I constantly feel as though I am never good enough. I'll never be the best Mom for my kids, I'll never be good at being Primary President, I'm a horrible wife, friend, and homemaker. All this negative thinking tends to make me want to give up before I even start. Why should I try if I am just going to fail? Dustin and I figured out that I am patterned to think like this due to a constant stream of criticism and negativity directed at me when I was growing up. So how do I break out of this negative pattern of thinking? We didn't get that far in our discussion. I would imagine though that it involves a constant stream of POSITIVE praise - from myself and others. The trick is in believing in that praise, in myself, that I am a great person, mother, and wife.

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Discoveries Two and Three

#2. I am a procrastinator.....always and forever. I like to wait until I have the pressure of a deadline looming over my head to work on a project. It's served me well in the past, except for all that stress and anxiety I experience from waiting until the 11th hour to do something.

#3. I am chronically late to most everything. I like to joke that this is due to my "LeSueur genes". My family was always a 1/2 hour late to every party or event. I am a poor judge of the time it takes to get ready for stuff (this is where that procrastinator stuff kicks in). You'd think I'd have figured out to start getting ready 15 minutes earlier, but nope, still haven't learned that stuff.

**I know that not all my "discoveries" about myself will be positive traits, but I know that each one will help me understand myself better.

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Discovering Me

For 2012 I thought I'd try that "one word goal" thing. I know I'm late to the plate, but that's how I work. My one word is DISCOVER. I want to spend this year discovering what makes me tick, who I am, what I like/don't like, and what's important to me. I'm in my 30s and I still feel so out of touch with the real me. So, I thought as the year goes by I would post my discoveries here.

#1. I have a good heart. I feel great love and concern for others, especially those struggling in life. I wish I could fix all the broken people in the world. I try to do my part by helping those around me.

Happiness is....

...realizing that I might not have it all together, but TOGETHER,

with my family, I have it all.

Happiness is....

...found in music, all kinds. Tonight I found my happy in this song.